Earlier Than Expected

I’ve been focusing on my pigs trying to build an outbuilding the pigs can move into. It’s taking quite a while, but that means I haven’t been paying the most attention to my sheep. I had originally planned to put everyone together for march lambing and sell off a bunch of my flock. The ones I’ve been trying to sell got bred a little earlier, but not much. Right?

Wrong. I came home the other night to a little lamb standing in the archway of the barn. I found two beautiful little lambs and a very hungry Monk. Monk was one of my first lambs, Blazes sister, and she’s always been a wonderful low keep, easy keeper. She’s not a super star, but twins 3 of 4 years and never any problem. Ok, maybe she is a super star. I’m pretty proud of her for always being an great lamber.

I was debating selling her because I’m trying to focus on my dairy line, but, you know what? Shes too easy! I guess I’m going to keep her. So a toast to my most excellent Monk and her two babes. I’ve gone one more girl whos gonna pop soon then I think were good for another month.

Get it, a toast?


Lil’ Wet Hen

I was out feeding the animals when I heard a strange cooing. I looked around for who could be making that sound and I didn’t see anyone, so I lifted a lid on a barrel and found two chickens standing 6 inches deep in rain water. The rooster tried to jump out but couldn’t quite make it so I grabbed him and tossed him out, he flapped, landed on his feet and ran off. I grabbed the other chicken and did the same thing and she…pancaked on the ground langidly flapping. Uhoh  
So I grabbed the wet chicken, picked her up and rivulets of water came pouring off her. Her comb was pale indicating her body temp had dropped. I ran her inside and called to my boyfriend to grab a towel…I couldn’t wait for him so I threw off my much Boots and ran through the house with a dripping wet chicken and put her in the shower. Boyfriend had a towel and was looking rather confused. I told him to give her a warm bath to increase her body temp, then dry her off while I go finish chores. 

I did my work outside quickly and came back to him in the couch drinking coffee with the hen in a towel on his lap. He needed help blow drying her…

It takes a while to blow dry a chicken. Each feathers needs to be pulled apart. I got her mostly dry then wrapped hey up in a fresh towel. Her comb was turning red again, but her energy was still low. I offered her water and she didn’t want any, I offered good and no interest.. Not good considering this was the hen who ran off to the neighbors abandoned chicken coop and has not been getting fed (obviously she came over to my house for breakfast, tried to escape a rooster, jumped on a barrel and fell in, and he followed).  Shes no body fat, and fat is needed to overcome hypothermia. I got my work cut out for me. I was going to set up a new pen not and retrive her but haven’t yet, well, guess she’s home now.
I mixed up warm electrolytes and sugar water and syringe fed her a little bit. Never underestimate the importance of blood sugar! I’ve saved so many animals just by feeding something sugary to whet their appetite. Within minutes she perked up and started chowing down on the special feed I made for her. I took the regular food of grains, peas, wheat, sunflowers, millet, ect and added lard to make suet and ground home grown corn for warmth and energy with a bit of chili pepper to warm her up. Girl is going to town!

I blow dried her a little more and now she’s happily sitting on the towel purring to herself. Asking to be petted… something she’s never enjoyed before. She’ll stay inside for a few days to heal, then she’ll go into a coop she can’t escape. I’ll put the rooster I want to breed with in with her. Hopefully this lil’ girl makes it. 

She finally gets a name: Ariel Because she things she’s a mermaid. This is why I drink. Coffee. Lots of coffee.

Hussy Hens

​I’m sure all remember the saga of Rocco. My neighbors and I have unfenced adjoining property. They let their chickens run free ruining everyone’s yard. It is what it is. I got chickens and later a lovely rooster. My pullets were still a little thing his attention it seemed. I remember when the neighbors hens got their first glimpse of that rooster: they all came over to my front yard and got his, um, attention. He was running back and forth nailing a good 15 hens. From then on he would visit those girls for a morning screw. My neighbor was so upset my rooster was “raping” their hens she finally shot him one day.

Years later they still don’t have roosters, but mine have learned to stay on my property and their girls sneak over to visit. Cracks me up. It seems their hens are now coming over and raping my roosters 🙄 or just having rough chicken sex.

I’ve seen a few hens try to lure the roosters over, but I suppose the ghost of Rocco warns them to stay away.

Turkey Trial

I try one new animal a year. This year we are trying out raising turkeys. 

I have only known one turkey from my ex’s farm. It used come up to me and we would talk. He would many turkey sounds and I would copy him. He was a very pleasant bird who used to sleep with Rosie. Shawn’s brother was kind of nutty and didn’t like HIS turkey sleeping with his brother’s pig so he put the turkey in with his demonic weaner pigs who proceeded to eat the poor turkeys ass off alive. I went into the barn to discover the poor guy walking around leaving a trail of blood everywhere. He butchered later that day, but I’ll always think fondly of that strange creature. So i got turkeys of my own whos asses will hopefully not get eaten off alive but cooked up on a festive table. So much better.

Supposedly turkeys are dumb, but how dumb are they REALLY? 

Maybe dumb enough to fall in a toilet and not get out dumb? Yes. Yes they are. I left the toilet cover open in the bathroom they were brooding in not thinking it was a problem.. However, my turkeys were jumping out of their brooder tub two days after in took them home. Why wouldn’t they be jumping on the toilet? So I came home and checked on my turkeys only to find one standing tall, but wet and cold, in the bottom of the toilet bowl.  I grabbed it and put it below the heat lamp, but it was chilled so it has a hard time standing and is feet were turning blue. The heat lamp wasn’t enough so I stuck it in the sink for a warm shower

It promptly feel asleep and smacked it’s face on the sink. After a few minutes in the sink and I felt it’s body temp was normal I dried the little guy off with a towel then electric blanket. 

Which was apparently very comfortable, too. Lots of snoozin’ like goober is doing just fine, now. Today the turkeys for moved to the tractor outside.

I decided to try without the brooder set up I normally do. It does take up lots of room and I’m trying to get friendlier birds. We’ll see. 
Anyway. Turkeys! 


I have spent a few years preparing for this spring: breeding my own line of dairy x Jacob sheep did not turn out how I had hoped. Last year i purchased a full blood EF ram whom I named Tuck due to his monk like bald cap that never fades. His fleece is very fine, and before coming here he was never touched. He discovered he loves attention and is now the attention hog of the flock

I was blessed with mostly rams from him last year. However, Ash produced one high % East Friesian ewe lamb. Black as night, fine boned but lovely. Swift should be an incredible dairy sheep if she is anything like her mother.

So this year I was excited to see her in production. Alas, farming has a way of crushing your dreams. After all the older ladies had lambed and all that was left were the yearlings Dusty and Swift I figured they were a few weeks out being the youngest and therefore last cycle into breeding. Swifts udder was still tiny so I figured any more lambing was a few weeks away.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into the barn one morning and heard they cry of a new born lamb. Swift was just finishing up when I came in for feeding.

A male and female. But tiny. Half the size of the other lambs born. The smallest was standing and trying to nurse but couldn’t latch on.Classic premature baby symptom. I tried repeatedly to get her on a teat but she just didn’t have the oral function to get a proper suction. So inside she came and I fed her from a dropper until she developed the ability to suckle. She was TINY. Her body was the length of my hand, and I could carry her practically in my palm. I took her back to the barn had her mother feed her and it looked like she would take her daughter… until the little lamb developed pneumonia. 

I did notice the first night I brought her in she had strange popping sounds coming from her chest, but I made little fuss over it. Then in the morning she was lethargic, feverish, eyes cloudy, breathing heavy…I already lost one new born fit pneumonia this year, not going to loose another. So I gave her a shot of antibiotics and within a few hours she was alert again. Within twelve hours she was running around. Antibiotics are really amazing. Without a doubt she would have died, but with the prick of a needle jet life was restored.

Not confident she was healthy enough stay in the bath unattended when i had to go to work I took her with me and kept her in the car checking on her and giving hey bottles through the day. At night her mom was still sort of accepting of her but each time we took her inside her dam lost interest more and more. 

Inside she slept in the bed so we could observe her. She would lay her head on you and pass out. Finally we decided she was our bottle baby.

With that she gets baths when she gets muddy and wears a diaper to prevent accidents.  I will never experience a child this easy to diaper ever again. She doesn’t mind me  grabbing her tail and sticking it through the diaper. Doesn’t mind anything.

She enjoys cuddles, the fireplace, the dog and the cat. She comes along for car rides and seems to enjoy them, especially if she has a lap to lay in.

Gwen was all of 5# when born. Suspecting her to still be a little sick we took get to the vet at a week old and she already weighed 8.3# good job little girl!

This little lady is incredibly sweet. You’ll be hearing more about Gwendolyn’s adventures, I’m sure

Pig Dicks and More

I’m not sure if I have shared with you all my new boar is an idiot who can’t figure out how to actually breed the sows? He’s been living with them for a few months and I’ve been suspicious he hasn’t done his job for a while but I’ve never caught anyone breeding. 

When I pulled him out of the pen and put him with Lola who i just weaned I discovered the awful truth: he’s just sticking his dick out 3 inches. Humping their faces and leaving them with a pearl necklace. 

 Yesterday my sows who were still unbred by him decided to assist me in heat detection by breaking out and spending the morning laying next to the boars pen gazing dreamily as their beady eyes would allow. 

They were out so I figured I would let him out, too. I want prepared to get involved in breeding, but now was my chance. I let him out of his pen and he b lined to the sow who wasn’t in heat, just enjoying some freedom for the day. I had to encourage him to leave her alone and try one of the girls camped out by his pen. He got one to stand up and started massaging her. 

Titanium is a nice little tank, but I’m pretty sure he’s not firing on all cylinders. He lets the tip of his tounge hang out slightly askew and his mouth always slightly agape. His eyes are set in the same look of Pixie mischief sans the intellect for any actual mischief. I have other swine who are quite expressive and I can tell their feelings and thoughts looking at them (you’re planning a breakout, hum?). Titanium is a blank slate.  After my sister pointed out how stupid his expression was I can’t look at him without thinking, “duuuuhhhh.” To my surprise his face can get even dumber when he gets to hump. Yes, his sex face is somewhere between ecstasy and a stroke as his eyes loose that brightness of consciousness and glaze over. “Huuurrrrrr” is the sole thought I imagine going on in that noggin. 
He proved me right as he continually attempted to mount their faces. The girls were in full standing heat and made no protest to the grinding action bestowed upon their jowls. In no time their faces were dotted with white splatters of piglets who never will be. With the help of a friend we got him on the right end.

I looked at my hand: clean enough and cleaner than my work groves. With a sigh I ducked down and did what I swore I would never do: I tried to grab his pulsating weiner getting more involved in porcine copulation than I wanted. 

Did you know pig dicks are slippery? Somewhere in-between “wet baby” and “bar of soap” and trying to grab the damn thing as it springs and spins spraying all kinds of body fluids is not for the faint hearted. Nor is doing it without gloves as the scent is disturbingly like the musk of stinky tofu wafting from the back of an authentic Chinese restaurant. (Unfortunately for me, I was also making Chinese for lunch so I continually questioned if the scent I was smelling was Chinese ferments or pig dick)

In frustration I called George, a pig breeding expert and asked his advice. He told me let the boar settle a little he’ll calm down and I should have some luck then (I looked over into the pen to watch Titanium bouncing between the two sows faces) Next time I should bring the girls to him, but for now just keep trying to grab his Weiner and if you get it in the right spot behind the corkscrew so it feels like vuvular contractions he should extend out aka give your boar a good hand job. New addition to my resume: swine fluffer.

Over and over he would mount and we would attempt to readjust and someone would move and he’d fall off. Over and over I cursed his sweet innocence and wondered if pig porn is a thing and maybe he could learn? (Naw. Doesn’t work for humans, why would it for pigs?) Finally he started to slow down. We shoved him to the sows rear end and I ducked down again. A few grabs and I lost it as it spun wildly around (fun fact: pig penises gyrate). Who would think 3 inches was so darn hard to grab? 3 inches of pig penis one inch away from the goal…. Why is this so hard?! (Or not hard enough if ya know what i mean. Giggidy)

I grab at his corkscrew again and all the sudden it shoots out like a footlong harpoon straight into a very willing and ready Cinnamon. His eyes widen and go crosswise. I am shocked, staring wide eyed inches away from the most graphic sex I have ever seen, assured that, yes, he has a full sized, fully functioning penis! Maybe, maybe this will be a succe–Cinammon adjusted herself and he lost balance and fell out and over. Five seconds of extreme jizz will probably not result in a litter but he’s spent. I’m spent. Peppercorn is so frustrated she’s off in the corner just over getting teased. 

I consider trying to encourage him aga when he rolls in mud and moves on to digging a trench. “Hey, Titanium, you want to try that again?” No amount of pleading can make him try again. My friend pushes on the boar to encourage him over towards the girls and he misunderstands this as an invitation for belly rubs so he falls over with his dumb happy face, tongue hanging out, ready to receive belly rubs. My friend instead sits on him. Because boys.

We quit for the day. I have it marked in my calendar: 3 weeks from now I week have time to come up with a plan. it will be game on.

Who’s a Sexy Chimney Sweep? Me!

Wood stove started smoking out of the pipes, wouldn’t pull air. Only a month ago I had a guy out and he charged $100+ dollars to sweep. So I went and picked up a brush, opened up the stove pipe and brushed from below. Then I pulled the stove pipe out of the ceiling when got stuck. Whoops. It’s me. What do you expect? When I was done I looked up the chimney and couldn’t see any light. So I grabbed a ladder and climbed to the roof. Got on the roof and realized roofs scare the shit out of me. Still, I carefully skooched up the roof to the chimney and found the mesh at the top was totally clogged. I knocked as much off as a could without standing up and made it down alive. Reassembled the stove pipe, clean up and test if it’s pulling air again.  Hopefully I went need to go up there again for a long time….